Thursday, March 25, 2010


I want to say something.

I got an e-mail today... it was a nice and supportive one and this is the part of it:
''I can't understand for the life of me why you are so down. First of all, you are gorgeous and it appears you have a loving boyfriend, friends, and family. Next, and most importantly, you have such an amazing gift for art''

I know what you're saying. Don't get me wrong: I'm really happy and thankful for everything that I have: support from my BF and family, my animals... I really am.
I heard this type of speach so many times - you can hear it almost every time a young and successful person commits a suicide. ''He/she was so young and beautiful and had money and...''
It's not my personal decision to feel this way. I fight it, but it's a tough opponent.

I'm not saying I'm suicidal. I'm just telling you all that I know how fortunate I am. But this has nothing to do with my condition. What do you think? Should a person have a ''good'' reason to be depressed (and I'm not talking about feeling blue; I'm talking about illness)?

Anyway. I was so tired yesterday, I forgot to take my meds. I had BAD dreams all night and woke up a total mess. There's nothing rational in this. Nothing poetic, nothing romantic. I just feel fucking bad!
That doesn't mean I'm gonna crawl in the corner and cry. I cried and then I wiped my tears and moved on. But the damn thing is still here. Anyone knows what I'm talking about?

I know this must be depressing to read, but please, just understand that it helps a bit if I talk about it.

And to lift your mood... HERE is the new Ray W. Johnson video. If you like cats, you should definitely check it out. =)

And a bonus for all my dedicated readers: I decided to give away the earrings and nail polish from the previous post. If you want it, just post your e-mail in the comment section. I'll notify the winner in the next few days. =)

Bonus photo: Crossed-Legs Chihuahua (could this be his Native American name? Like ''Sitting Bull'' =) What do you think, Andrea?

Thanks for looking!


  1. Sasha, we love you - you are a great person everything that your letter-writer said was true. However, depression is an illness and it majorly sucks. It's hard to work through and people just don't understand that while it may seem like you have "everything", not everything is perfect and easy. Keep up your treatment and good luck to you! You're a sweetheart and deserve to have a happy, content and fulfilling life! *sends good thoughts and karma your way*

    redrover189 at gmail dot com

  2. I totally know what you are talking about here. No, You DO NOT have to have a reason. With good support and good meds, you will be successful fighting it. We all root for you!

    Big hugs!

    (and I wouldn't mind winning the cute earrings and blue polish - pixelpig(at)

  3. My favourite way of describing it goes like this:
    I don't want to die, I just don't want to live.

    You know where I am- free of clichés. ;)

    <3 <3 <3

  4. I'm responding not cause of the giveaway but because I wanna talk to ya!

    It sucks that some people think that way, I guess they just dont understand how others have no control over depression. I think some think it's a choice, that those affected can simply decide to be happy and it will all go away, but for some reason they choose not to. I'm sure they meant well, but sometimes people don't understand what impact the things they say are going to have on people. This is your blog, and we come here not just cause you have fantastic nails, but because we like you, and love you and care about you. You can vent all you want, and those who don't want to hear it? well, I say good riddance! Some of us do understand that it's not about choice, it's a chemical imbalance that those who are suffering have no control of! And anyone who stopped and thought about it would realize that if there was anything you could do, especially something as simple as "deciding to be happy" that you would gladly do it. It's just not that simple.

    I also wanted to tell you that I TOTALLY understand, to a degree at least, the whole dream thing. example...
    I trust Rob 100%, and I know without a doubt, that he'd never dream of doing anything to betray my trust. I mean this guy is totally smitten :) anyway, I have on multiple occasions had dreams that he has cheated on me, and once I woke up, I was absolutely crushed. I mean I KNEW it was a dream, and that it would never happen in real life, But it still absolutely broke my heart. It takes DAYS if not longer to get over, after lots of love and affection. I'm not mad at him, it's just that my heart is shattered. No matter what I do to try and shrug it off and move on, I just can't, it's like it's haunting me. I know it comes from hurts i have experienced with past relationships, but that also doesn't keep them from happening. So I totally understand what you are talking about. And I am blown away that you have these dreams as often as you do and yet still keep on truckin'! You are one touch chick!


    If you ever need to vent, you got my email addy!
    Luv ya girl!

  5. WOW I wrote alot, SORRY!

  6. I always felt guilty about my depression until I saw a programme and thought: No, I'm not an ungrateful, miserable woman who doesn't deserve to be happy, I just have a chemical imbalance that means serotonin doesn't work the way it should and there are millions like me.
    I have to say that Prozac has worked really well for me. I would try any medication going because I firmly believe it's the way I am made and I can get a chemical "fix". A programming error of some sort. We all have our little glitches and this is just one of mine. You have a problem and you do your best to sort it out.
    No, you can't just cheer up and get over it. If only! People mean well and want to help but not everyone can empathise.

  7. Hello
    I am one of your newer readers.. and I can be kind of bad about leaving comments. But I do know what you are talking about.. You don't have to have a reason.. and I also agree with Kate. It may seem like everything is great to other people, but they don't know. I actually don't talk about my problems because I get those same sort of speeches and they kind of make me feel guilty for being so upset all the time. But I finally have started talking more about it and it has been helping me a bit. Sorry if this seems like I'm talking about me too much. I'm just trying to say I understand how exhausting it can be. I really hope you start feeling better!! You deserve it [:

    Those earrings are beautiful by the way. It would be cool to win them and the polish.

  8. Hey! Not posting about the giveaway. I have stretched ears so I couldn't wear those anyways. ;)

    I hear you on that depression thing, I'm not depressed, I have an anxiety disorder. It's been ok for a while under the control of meds, but the meds made my dreams HORRIBLE. I'm reducing the meds and will hopfully be off them soon. I don't like feeling like an emotionless robot and the dreams I get from them are terrible. I won't even get into the graffic horrible dream I woke up from this morning. NSFW!!!!!111one

    I think the email you received what really sweet and with the best intentions. I guess if no one has had problems with a mental disorder like that, it's difficult to understand. 'The grass is always greener on the other side.'

    I'm not entering your giveaway and hope the person who wins can make good use of the items! But if you ever need a 'stranger' to talk to, drop me a line. skulda.blackheart(at)gmail(dot)com

  9. I know it's hard for someone to understand that depression is an illness, and it doesn't have anything to do with whether the person "has everything" or not. It's just the chemicals in the brain that are f*cked up. I guess they wouldn't say to someone "hey, why don't you just stop having cancer!".

    Hope you feel better soon. :)

  10. Ugh, I totally understand you. I have depression as well and a lot of people just don't understand it. They either think you're batshit crazy, your "going through a phase", or you're going to kill youself. All of those piss me off to no end! People don't understand that there's literally SOMETHING WRONG with your brain! Our synapses don't work like normal people do, it has nothing at all to do with whats going on around us, its literally JUST our brains that don't function the same! Thats why its soooo important to take medicine and even though it doesn't exactly get those synapses working, it gets the right amount of seratonin (or different hormones can't remember right now!).

    Anyways, I'm always here to talk, you have my email! *hugs*

  11. {Hugs}

  12. Amen! I know exactly what you're going through. I've heard this before and I just want to slap the person who says it. No I can't just feel better and stop being sad. My depression won't allow me that luxury. You just can't understand until you go through it.

  13. Sweety you know about my husbands illness so yes I understand. It is an illness no different than diabetes or cancer. You don't want it, can't control it and it has to be treated or it only gets worse.

    A lot of people ,who have never suffered from depresion or been close to someone suffering, just don't get that it's not just a bad day or simple sadness.
    Depression, Bipolar, Manic depression are real health problems and they are hard to control. Even with medication and therapy the depression sometimes creeps back in. There is no cure and for most people it is a life long illness. It affects everything, mood, daily function, physical pain, emotional torment and can lead to other mental health issues.

    Support and understanding are the best things the people around you can offer!

    I love you Sasha and you know I'm here to lend an ear, a shoulder or even a pillow to scream into! I live with the helplessness everyday and if I ever find that magic wand as soon as I cure Chris I'm sending right to you!

    P.S. You have my email for the giveaway. :*

  14. Sasha: Hi, Marsha here. When somebody tells you something like this, you need to ask them *do you think somebody CHOOSES to feel this way?* Like the fellow posters above me said, depression is an illness and we just have to work through it. Some people just don't have the intelligence to understand that, I guess. But I certainly understand how these people make you feel and I decided one day that they weren't going to make me feel guilty any more. And don't go deciding that maybe because you're surrounded by all this love that maybe you don't deserve it and run off with some fella that treats you like dirt. If you don't understand that sentence, just email me and I will try to come up with a better translation of what I meant because it is full of American-isms.

    (((hugs)))) Marsha

  15. V bistvu te razumem.... sama sem bila veliko veliko let depresivna, oziroma anksiozna. Sedaj je vse skupaj nekoliko za mano, ampak ob slabih dnevih sem se vedno depresivna. Tudi vcasih kar tako, iracionalno...

    Veliko mi je pomagalo to, da sem zacela govorit o temu. Da sem sla na soncek in se nisem vec skrivala v sobi.... In tudi moj dragi, ki mi nudi vso podporo na svetu... Brez njega bi bila na zacetku, ceprav mislim da sem postala dovolj mocna da bi tudi sama prezivela v tem hudobnem svetu.


    Se priporocam za giveaway.

  16. Heya!

    I know how you feel, first my husband was depressed, and i get depressed after my dad got badly ill.
    It's really bad illness, i hope you win it!
    And yeah its mostly annoying that people who don't understand the illness, theyr support is "Just get out, smile and cheer up" ... >.<
    Loads of hugs from Finland! Were all here for you! :)

  17. (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) love you!!!! I know what you mean hun, noone chooses to feel that way, and plenty of amazing people like yourself battle it. Just know we're here for you! xoxo

  18. Jen-BeautySchoolBlogMarch 25, 2010 at 9:39 PM

    Hi. New to your blog, and loving it! I hope you're feeling well. Thanks for sharing your troubles - I hope it will help you, and maybe help someone else not feel alone. Because there's lots of us out there! xoxo :)

  19. Jen-BeautySchoolBlogMarch 25, 2010 at 9:40 PM

    PS: I'm not entering the contest - just wanted to say "thanks" and "hi" and "you rock"!

  20. I am really sorry you feel this way! :( I hope you find some strength and that your mood improves soon. It's so individual what keeps all of us going so I won't be giving any advice because what worked for me - moving away soon - maybe won't work for you and it's a very big decision, change of life and very expensive as well.
    It's very important you have a healthy and loving family. I have only my dad, my mother isn't talking to me for almost 7 years, probably told you that and there is noone else. I still think about my ex and I'll contact him someday to see how he's doing but it's a thing which has to be left behind, however hard that is. Finishing study and finding a job will divert all the bad thoughts too, I look forward to it. I wish there was a way I could help except giving bad advice :(

  21. I have people around me who are depressed or have anxiety. What am I to say who has a "good" reason to be depressed and who doesn't? Not like it's a choice. People get physical illnesses as well and others don't complain people not having good enough reason to fall physically ill.

    I just really hope you find a way to make yourself feel better: be it talking, meds or something else.

    And for the giveaway: henna.icequeen[at]

  22. Thank you for your kind words, Kate!

  23. Thank you for support! =)

  24. You said it! That's EXACTLY how I feel. One more reason why I love you!

  25. Well, that girl who wrote those lines also suffers from depression and I don't think it's that she doesn't understand... it's more like a feeling of know. When you're hurting, it's bad, but when someone close to you is hurting - it's so much worse.
    Yep, that's how my dreams work. Just like you described yours. Thank you so much for writing this, Christy! I kind of feel stronger after reading your last few sentences. (((hugs))) Thank you!

  26. A lot of people don't understand that it's all about chemical imbalance. Even the doctor I saw yesterday said: ''A young girl like you and depressed?'' Well, it's not like I chose to be this way.
    Thanks for your comment, Jen!

  27. Hi and welcome, Tierney! =)
    I don't mind you talking about yourself, not at all...I'm flattered that you feel comfortable enough to talk about it here. I got the same reactions, but I kept going and telling people about it. Some of them understood, most of them didn't. But hey...if talking about it helps: that's what we need to do. I hope you deal with your demons!
    Stay in touch!

  28. I'm sorry for everything that is going on - and I know there is no way to explain your feelings away. I suffered from depression for years. I took Paxil (which I still have side effects from, even though I've been off it for nearly 8 years now). I had to quit my medication when my family could no longer afford health insurance, so it was very abrupt and I had a few really difficult months there. I've learned somewhat how to cope and also I feel I have just grown through the depression. I'm still a very sensitive person, but I am in a much, much better place now. I hope things are able to get better for you. At least you know you have many, many people who love and care for you - and we all support you :) Please do know that I, like many here, am open any time to emails, messages, etc. if you ever want to talk. Plus, you have so many wonderful cats. Cats = total happiness (haha, I'm such a crazy cat lady). But in all honesty, I think pets really do help. When I'm down, my pets totally sense it and they all gather around me (literally) and sometimes just laying in bed curled up with two dogs and five cats can make the world seem like a better place. :)

    Loving the crossed-leg Chihuahua. My Mom has two Chis and they both sit like that :) I laughed out loud at your reference to it being a Native American name :)

    I feel silly entering a giveaway after writing an emotional message, but I've got to admit - the earrings and polish from your last post were stunning. My email is

    Please remember that we are here if you ever want to talk. And I sleep bizarre hours so I can normally respond to emails pretty quickly any time of the day :)

  29. I don't know about different meds, but mine never made me feel like a robot. I always had my ups and downs.
    I'm sad to hear there are more people with horrible dreams... 'cause I know how bad it sucks. The only time when your brain can take a time out and they go insane instead... I wish you all the best, Skulda!
    As I already said: the girl who sent me the e-mail also suffers from depression and it's not about not understanding the illness. I think it's more about the fact that you want to help somehow...

  30. It's sad that even some of my family members don't get it. My brother said that it's time for me to stop taking the meds. Well, from all the illnesses, he only knows the cold, so...
    Thank you, Solveig!

  31. Your post made me smile. =) When I told people I was depressed, they said - Why? It used to piss me off too, but there are many illnesses that I don't understand, so I gotta give them a break. ;)
    Thanks for understanding, Lisa Kate! :*

  32. Yep, that's the most sad part. You have to go through it to understand it... Hope you'll get better, Arrianne!

  33. Yes, you already told me about that and I really admire people who live with people like me. You need be really understanding and supportive.
    I know what you mean about the helplessness. I often say to myself how harder this would be if my sister was depressed... I guess that would just kill me.

    Your ''lend an ear'' sentence made me laugh... It reminded me of the Robin Hood The Men In Thights movie. =))) See, Andrea, you always know how to make me feel better. Love you! :*

  34. Hey, Marsha! Hope you're doing OK. =)
    I totally understand everything you wrote. And I agree with you. I just have to convince myself that I'm worth all the trouble. ;)

    Thank you for commenting! :*

  35. Meni se pa čedalje bolj zdi, da je to v človeku in se ne more nikoli popolnoma rešiti tega bremena. Vsaj pri meni je tako.
    Se strinjam, da govorjenje pomaga. Sploh če imaš pri sebi nekoga, ki mu zaupaš. Upam, da se ti bo počutje samo še boljšalo! =)

    Hvala za tvoj pogled na stvar!

  36. Hey, Johanna! I hope you're feeling good. As good as you can feel with this ''monkey on your back''. Oh, if I got a penny for every time I heard that ''smile, get out...'' line. =)
    Thank you, Johanna! Your support means a lot to me!

  37. (((hugs))) I'm really fortunate to have so many online friends! =) Thank you, Angie!

  38. Hello and welcome, Jen! I'm really glad that you like my blog. And I hope that I didn't scare you away. =) Sometimes my posts get a bit personal... ;) I'm always glad to welcome another soul...and to let it know - you aren't alone!
    Thank you, Jen! =)

  39. Oh, I will find the strength. I just need to get some proper sleep first. ;) I sincerely hope that moving wil help you. I doubt it would work for me, 'cause I always carry everything with me (emotional baggage).
    You're helping me with telling me your side of the story, telling me what works for you...and maybe someone else will find himself in it.
    It's the thought that counts! =)

  40. Thank you, Duvessa! =)

  41. LOLz I've been like obsessed with RWJ since you first posted about him. That cat video was epic, I had to re-watch it 6 times and by then I was crying from laughing so hard!

  42. Hey Sasha, I agree, it does help to talk. And you can talk to us, we are always there for you =) There has always been illness in my family, all the time, and no falls ill for a 'good reason'. you can't help it, and we understand.

    BTW,I would luv that cute polish(rhea.katyal@

  43. Te čisto razumem ... slej kot prej se večina ljudi (vsaj 1x v življenju) sreča s tem. Tisti, ki se pa še niso, ne razumejo. Upam, da ti bo terapija pomagala in da boš lahko zaživela na polno brez črnih misli in trenutkov.

  44. this bullshit is so typical I don't even blink anymore when I hear it. how the fuck can someone who has no idea about depression talk about it? well, newsflash: it's an ILNESS and you don't choose to get it, so you also can't choose to get rid of it, as much as your life seems perfect otherwise! when someone's physically sick, you don't go around telling them: "You've got it all, your life is so perfect, so I just don't understand why you keep having those terrible migraines!", do you? sorry, but it obviously still makes me angry. it's just so fucking ignorant to say stuff like this. educate yourself about depression before making such comments, people!

    Nihrida, hold on girl, I'm sending some sunshine your way!

  45. p.s. don't forget to take your meds and if they're not working, get them changed!

  46. that doctor seems like an idiot, really hope he's not your shrink!

  47. Nope, he's not. =)

  48. Thank you for your support, Brooke! =)

  49. I'm glad you like it. =) He always makes me laugh.

  50. Strinjam se s teboj, da tezko povsem 'prebolis'. Ostane s teboj, vcasih tudi izbruhne,... ampak se naucis ziveti s tem...
    In vsakic ko 'prezivis' izbruh si mocnejsi..

  51. razumem o čem govoriš.
    5 let nazaj sem imela podobno situacjo. js nisem iskala pomoč nikjer. sem samo pač hodla v šolo, spala v šoli cel čas, potem šla domou, komaj kaj pojedla in bla cele dneve na internetni strani deviantART ker sem mislila da so samo tam moji prijatelji. bla sem skor na temu da zaključim zadevo totalno, ampak me je rešla vztrajnost prijateljev da so me vedno vlekli med ljudi čeprav sem bila neznosna. meni je na srečo pomagalo to, čeprav so mogli minit mesci da sem razumela kaj se sploh dogaja in se sprijaznila končno s situacjo in nadaljevala naprej življene. upam da bo tebi tudi kaj kmalu kaj podobnega pomagalo. smo s tabo*


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