Friday, April 2, 2010

F*ck!

Two days ago I found out that my BF was keeping something from me. For me, that's the same as lying. And I HATE when people lie to me. There's nothing worse...

The strange thing is... I was OK. I thanked him for calling me and hanged up. I didn't cry, I didn't feel extra bad. I was just kind of dissapointed. I believe that he's sorry and all that sh*t, but I just don't care right now. We'll figure it out.

...right now, I'm watching a television show and I got heart broken again. I don't think I'm capable of loving another human being. Not in a romantic kind of way. I feel like a psychopat.
I know my need for male attention (from certain persons) is huge. I want them to love me... just to not love them back. I did it a couple of times and I enjoyed it. But when I'm in love, that's just not it. I loose interest to quickly and I always want what I can't have. What the hell is wrong with me?!

Sometimes I feel like I'm addicted with being miserable. But it's taking it's toll. I can't take it anymore. I'd love to talk to someone, 'cause it's killing me.

The funny thing is: small part of me still believe there's a prince in shiny leather pants who's gonna save me. I've always been a dreamer.



I wanna watch Walk the Line and cry like a baby.

EDIT: If anyone know where I could get this movie from the video (with English subs), I'd be forever grateful. It looks like I could cry a river watching it.

37 comments:

  1. Fuck is all over the place. :P You'll land on your feet. I know it. I too still think there is some guy in dirty jeans and a worn t-shirt that will come save me. But then, I realised that hey, I'm 30 now, I have to accept life is what it is... And start enjoying what I have. That sounds so fucking christian... But seriously. Better enjoy what you have than being miserable longing for something that probably doesn't even exist.

    *binging candy*

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  2. I know. I'm happy with what I have in every aspect of life... except love. I had what I want to have and I didn't want it then. Why do I have to loose something to realize that was what I really wanted?
    I was afraid that noone will love me like he did...now I'm afraid I will never love anyone like I loved him. I'm going insane.

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  3. hang in there i split with my guy and feel that way, wed night i saw HIM driving by my house my mind started thinking what if type shit.... last night i cried and i said before dont cuz after the first tear how can i stop the tears- well i cried at night when my 3yr old was sleep my best time to... and my eyes was all swollen this morning but im ok F#%K

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  4. It'll sound like a cliché, but shit, you're young. You WILL find love again. We still love when we get older, and the objects grow old with us. I was shocked when I realised I had started to be attracted to men over 40. xD But seriously, most people are shit. You can just overlook that for a certain amount of time, let's say, when you just fell in love. Reality catches up. Sooner or later. And life is kinda crappy. Take my advice: reproduce instead. There is no purer love on earth.

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  5. OK, I hope Feline is speaking tongue-in-cheek about reproducing because honestly, that is the last thing I'd recommend for you right now. But of course, who am I? Just someone across the world who knows nothing except what she reads.
    Anyway, I'm also someone who sees so much of her younger self in you.
    Although it's cliche, time - and a lot of personal internal work - does make a difference.
    (((Hugs, Lovie)))

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  6. I don't want to be stuck with my babies daddy who I don't like. Child might suffer a lot.

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  7. Oh, Feline just loves her daughter that much and I think she'd like for me to know that kind of love.
    Thanks for your support!

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  8. Hey!

    Love your blog, have to say!

    And about the video: That is from finnish movie called Lieksa! I don't know if it helps, but if you didn't know it, maybe it takes you a bit further when trying to find it :) Or something!

    Hope you feel better soon!

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  9. WOW! girl i swear we must be related! I was the same EXACT way until I met Rob. I liked the attention, but didn't have much interest in returning the attention. I got bored with guys WAY quick. I always wanted something new as soon as I got used to what I had. And I still loved the guy that broke my heart the first time. Always thought about him, Always wondered "what if", and even got in contact with him as my first marriage was failing (sucks when you marry someone and within a week or so, they complete become a different person than they had been the previous 3 years). Anyway basically, everything you described I thought and felt. I didn't think I'd ever find anyone who I'd never get bored with, who I'd be able to be around longer than a few hours with out wanting to strangle. But Rob came along and it all changed. We drive to work together, spend our lunch hour together, drive home together, and basically dont spend ANY time apart! And I love him, like him, and have fun with him, more now than I did 5 years ago when we met. There is someone out there who can heal your wounds and keep you interested and excited and in love! Don't lose hope!

    If you ever start to, think of me, or email me! I'm proof that there are "soul mates"!

    {{{HUGS}}}

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  10. Heh ... I've always described myself as a sociopath - seriously. I believe I and my four half-brothers all have traits inherited from our dad that make us sociopaths and unable to truly feel the way we should. We have something missing. I'm not so bad as my mum is very different from my half-brothers' mum (she's as much an evil bitch as my dad's an evil bastard; my mum's a passive-aggressive bitch, which is subtly different). I loved one man and was perfectly happy but he morphed into a selfish bastard. I always knew I loved only him (not in a 'normal' way: I could never have shared a house with him or anything, I'd've felt suffocated - but to the best of my ability, I was helplessly in love with him) and don't believe I'll love anyone else. I don't believe men and women are meant to cohabit anyway, we're not genetically built for it: as a result, conventional couples eventually destroy each other unless they realize this and spend enough time apart.

    I've never believed there's a 'knight in shining armour' out there, I don't know why, I just haven't: I've never had hope, so I can't lose it ... not to say that's much more fun, I suspect. I wish you could be happy, though. Self sabotage is a terrible cycle to be stuck in and I wish I had some magic words to help you (and everyone else, including me :P) out of it. But you should have hope: for you. For yourself, because you are a beautiful, amazing, talented, complex, endlessly fascinating creature, and if you can't have hope for your relationship with/to anyone else, you can have hope for it to yourself, always.

    *hugs*

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  11. Trust me, there is always. another. guy. out there. I'm as messed up as anyone with all my issues, but settling should not be an option for woman. I do hope you find your way out of this, I hate to see you down. Feel better soon :)

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  12. There's nothing wrong with you. I think you just haven't met the right guy yet. And when you do you will know! There will be nothing you wont do to be together, and he will feel the same way. Stuff will happen in life but you will want to work through them together. Until then you will just have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince! :) Just be careful not to kiss any toads and get warts!
    ~ Sylvia

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  13. Skulda - http://skuldasclaws.blogspot.comApril 3, 2010 at 3:56 AM

    Hey woman.
    I'm not going to yap your screen off so I'll just say you're right, keeping something from you is a form of lying. If he does that shit again, kick his sorry ass until he can't poop right. Communication is key for a relationship and if you can trust him, kick him to the curb.
    Another thing: You can't go looking for love. Just make yourself happy and DON'T depend on others to make you happy. Then your sexy leather pants man will find you. It's true. Thats how I found my hubby.
    And dude. Nightwish = pure sex. I hope to see them live again.
    Chin up, bitch. You rock. <3

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  14. I love you. I have some insight but I'm not going to post it, I'll email you!
    Hugs and smooches!

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  15. Hindsight is a wonderful thing - so of course you don't realise you want something until it's gone... and it sucks. I've been there. And then I wanted it back. That sucks too, cos you can't get it back. But you use the hindsight to make better choices in the future and someone WILL come along and you WILL recognise it. It's just obviously not now. I don't believe it's like freakin romantic movies tho - that's a bunch of bull. And it's not all feeling happy 24/7 - sometimes just the absence of all emotion - just things ticking along with no obvious ups and downs is bliss. Sometimes I think we look for emotion to lead us. I do sometimes. My emotions mess things up tho so I'm getting better to use my logic along with my emotion :D (learning curve... and has taken me years). I was married for 5 years to the father of my first son - you never have to get stuck with your babies daddy if you don't want to (not that I'm advocating you having babies or anything just sharing that I have a child from my first marriage within my current famiy and 2nd husband!). I found love again, love found me! I pushed and pushed and pushed him away he really should have run. But he didn't. And oh how things change and oh how I'm glad I had all my misery to realise what I do have now! God Bless xx (And I still struggle sharing that I have a 'first husband' cos I think it makes me sound so sordid :x)

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  16. Ahhh... there is a reason why Nightwish is my favorite band ever :)

    You know, I read your blog every day & I'm really starting to think you're my twin. We look alike, we have the same tastes, we have the same love problems, we even have the same shape nailbeds, lol... I seriously feel for you though. I went through the same crap with my ex- getting my heart ripped out, thinking I could never love again no matter what, etc. I broke up with my him last November after 10 years of on & off dating, and he still haunts my dreams nearly every night. Last night I dreamt that we were back together and he was still abusing me, still accusing me of things I didn't do, then in the next breath telling me I'm the love of his life. I thought he was my soulmate, but if he was, it would have worked out. I still catch myself missing him, but I know I'm better off alone than with someone who treats me like that. I will always love him, but he is not 'the one'. I found out that he had hidden things from me as well and everyone is right- hiding stuff IS lying. Keep your eyes open with this one.

    And you're not psychopathic- you're just not over it yet. I am the EXACT same way. I want every guy I date to fall madly in love with me, but then I lose interest in him the moment he says he loves me. I've resolved to just not date at all until I get over my ex.

    One last thing then I swear I'll shutup- DO NOT have a kid!!! Not until you DO find "the one"!

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  17. At 54 you would expect me to have a long track record and I do!

    I would say this. If you have to put work into it then you value it more. Invest heavily (I don't mean in an emotionally volatile way) and you will take great care over what you achieve and what you have grown and nurtured. It sounds potentially tedious, dull, worthy, serious but ultimately it's of greater importance than a quick swept-off-your-feet moment or month or year.
    Look for shared values, ethics, approach to work, money, children, politics. Don't expect to be rescued. You might just magically meet someone but realistically relationships involve hard work and compromise.
    I'm a slow learner and it's taken me a long time to be a partner worth having - I pity some of my previous partners and what they had to put up with - but I think I may just be improving.
    No quick fixes, sorry, but have fun along the way and live as good a life as you can. And you already do a lot for other people so you are ahead of the game!

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  18. Sasha: I was going to leave a comment but Jen has already said it all. But I will add two things: One, DO NOT have a child yet and second, there is no knight in shining armour and no swept off your feet thing.

    You'll be okay.

    Love-Marsha

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  19. Oh dear... if it"s not too personal, tell me, what was this top secret that ofended you so much? or just give a hint. I understand your condition, but please, try to calm down. I have told you before you"re a sweet thing, I"m sure everything will be OK. and... you see, sometimes we only begin to appreciate something when we lose it. Me and my man had such problems some time ago. Only after a breakup had I realised how dear he was to me. thank God I managed to mend everything. so it would be good if you took a pause, and then talk about it. I"m sure your BF is sorry. Hugs and kisses!

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  20. I know it's Lieksa and I already found the movie, but there are NO english subtitles. I also know that they released english version, but I can't find it either. Crivens!

    And thank you!

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  21. I guess everyone goes through this at some point. I'm just to weak to handle it. I hope to meet my ''Rob'' someday.

    Thank you so much for giving me a little hope! (((hugs)))

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  22. It's nothing wrong with being a sociopath. Unless you hurt someone else. I don't know if I feel sad or if I want to LOL my ass off because your way of describing your parents. You seem like a strong and self sufficient person. I wish I was more like you.

    Thank you so much for telling me your side of the story! I appreciate it.
    Thank you, Jennifer!

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  23. Oh, I know. There's a lot of guys, but I don't think I'll ever be satisfied. There is no perfect person and I can find flaws in almost anyone. Well, not almost. =) Thank you for your words of support! :*

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  24. Do I *really* need to kiss frogs? I might prefer staying without my prince. =D
    Thank you for support, Sylvia!

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  25. LOL =) Oh, girl...you make me smile. I love the way you said it. And just to tell you - if wasn't a big thing, but I do feel kind of bad because of it. If he's ''lying'' about something so irrelevant... what else is he keeping from me.
    Eh, I don't really care too much about that.
    I adore your way of thinking. I just don't know if I'm able to live like that. I always find a way to torment myself. Yep, that's me. I don't deserve to be happy.
    Nightwish?! I'd be their groupie anytime!!! =)

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  26. I love you so much, Andrea! =*

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  27. Eh, I never learn from my mistakes. That's my problem.
    I know that romantic love (like in movies) doesn't really exists neither am I wanting it. I just want to feel complete with someone. Not to miss someone/something all the time.
    I'm glad that you found your love! This kind of stories give me hope! =)
    And about the first husband - I admire the women who have the guts to end it and not just give in and live miserably for the rest of their lives.

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  28. Hey, Mila! I'm glad that you think that way. It makes me feel better to know there's someone who understand, but on the other hand...I don't think ANYONE should go through this kind of crap.
    I though I was over him, but I guess I'm not. Not even after 3 years. That sucks!
    Don't worry, hun! I don't plan on having kids for a looooooong time. I like my night sleep, morning nap, afternoon nap...too much. =)

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  29. I know that. But I *need* to feel that something, you know. I'm a very emotional person and they lead me though life. I just can't act differently or it wouldn't be me.
    I think that the biggest problem is that I'm not self sufficient enough. I'm trying to find the beauty in the little things, but sometimes that's not enough.
    Thank you for your insight! =)

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  30. I'm NOT having a child. And I'm not searching for a prince. =)
    Thanks for support! :)

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  31. Oh, Christabella...it's not about that at all. He just disappointed me, but this has nothing to do with me feeling so down. I'm actually very calm right now, I just have some issues from the past that I haven't dealed with yet. My BF and I will be just fine, I'm sure. =)
    Thank you!

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  32. poznam ta občutek o katerem govoriš in tudi jaz sem se spraševala ista vprašanja s sem si odgovorila na njih ko je prišel tisti.. in sedaj vem da so ta vprašanja in vsi ti občutki ko pač ni tisti pravi..
    verjamem da boš vredu in da boš šla čez to, v vmesnem času pa imaš svoje mujce in pesije k ti nabolj znajo stat in poslušat v takih trenutkih.. ;)

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  33. Hi there,



    I read your blog for quite a while and a few days ago you posted something that maybe you want to forget about. I love astrology and I can make you natal chart if interests you. I feel you are an aquarius like me or maybe you have many planets in aquarius as this is the sign of nonconformism. I made charts for my family and believe me, everything it's true. Maybe this way you'll understand why some things happen to you. I need your date of birth, place and hour.
    If this interests you I would love to hear from you. My email is justmeeinhere@yahoo.com

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  34. Trust me, the day will come when all the bad seems so small. You are so talented and have so much to be thankful for, Feel better!

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  35. Four years ago I broke up with a guy I dated for 4.5 years. I thought I was going to marry him. It took me a full year to get over him, but once I did, I realized that I got lucky he dumped me, because I didn't have enough courage to dump him. It took me another year to like somebody romantically, and another half a year to start dating again. Maybe you should try taking time off from dating, and figure out what you want or don't want. Taking a long time off really helped me, because I thought a lot about it, and when I was ready to date again, I knew exactly what I wasn't looking for, and was able to avoid it. Best wishes.

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  36. Sorry to hear that Nihrida. I know a bit of what you are saying though and can relate. Love is hard, especially if you fall for them as well... In a way being single makes you stronger cause you don't fall to pieces when they hurt you. In my experiences men aren't too trust worthy, as bad as that may sound it's been true for me.
    Feel better soon, hopefully in time you will be stronger and feel happier. Many hugs.

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