Saturday, April 10, 2010

Terrified

That's what I am. Completely terrified. Of my future, life, myself... terrified of that voice in my head that's telling me I'm not good enough, not worthy, too dumb. Telling me I'm to ugly, not talented, not special, not ... I don't know what I'd rather do: crawl in the darkest corner and cry or scream my lungs out. Well, I am screaming. Screaming and tearing myself apart, but noone sees that.


I was at the doctor today. My little pills are causing me a lot of trouble. Not only are they not helping with my depression, they're also the one reason for my tachycardia. I need to change them now. And I was warned by my doctor there's a chance of something going wrong if we aren't careful when doing that. Great! That's really what I need. Prescription drugs rehab.

Not everything was completely bad today. I was playing with my camera and trying to make my first panoramic photos... I wouldn't call these two photos a complete failure.

BTW: You can see the kind of weather we had today. You know what I though of it? I said to my BF it's depressing. Sometimes I just value the rain.

How many cats can you find on this photo?


I'd like to thank to all of you for your words of support. Shiva was an important part of my family and I miss her so much. There's a hole in my heart that can't be filled... It's been very hard for me and I'm just not ready to talk about it ... not yet.

World is wonderful, nature is beautiful, but life... Life is a piece of crap.

At least I managed to do something good today. I ''saved'' an old walnut tree that's been growing near our house for as long as I can remember. My mom and dad said it must go... and I protested like a Greenpeace member. It's healthy and strong... it shouldn't die yet. Not on my watch. See, I still have my sense of humor.

For all the honeys who are also having a bad day, HERE's something that might cheer you up!

Thanks for looking!

28 comments:

  1. I see three cats including your logo.
    I feel the same a lot of the time. I feel like screaming until my face is purple. I'm 27, working in a shitty job, feel trapped. Feel useless, talentless, aimless. Blah! But I'm on the lowest dose of my meds right now and even though I still get effed up nightmares, they have decreased. Next week will start my next step of weinning off them and that will be a nightmare in itself.
    Well girly. I'm here via email if you wanna yap. Sometimes talking about it to someone, just telling them what is going on is very soothing to hear other people's similar issues. "You are not alone". :)
    Cheers!
    *sips some beer*
    ~Skulda

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  2. you know I feel similar to you, maybe even worse... mostly I feel so lousy and suicidal I don't even want to get out of the bed in the morning. I just sit, eat and pile kg's... and that's sad and makes me feel frustrated. The only thing which makes me go is hope of going from here soon and that my dad's healthy for his age, thanks god. Be happy that you've got a supporting family, it would mean so much to me if I had that...
    My favorite pass time is reading - whatever you read - sf, crime fiction, romance novels, classics - it takes you away to another world :)

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  3. I take no meds, I have no idea if that's good. I just exhaust my nerves, sometimes people behaving strange makes me so nervous I start to scream at them, it's embarrassing. I don't even have health insurance, for 7 yrs now (it's complicated procedure and I'd have to talk to mom which isn't really possible) so no meds for me even if I wanted...

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  4. My bf is taking some medication too. I know it's hard and there're side effects. Feel free to share how you feel, on here, with a friend/ family member. Talking it out does help. We'll be here to listen. Hugs

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  5. ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))) You know I'm here if you need. I truly hope you feel better soon sweetie.

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  6. Girl, hang in there. Depression is a terrible disease that tricks you, it gets in your head and puts the most horrible thoughts in it. It takes every little thing you're not happy about in your life and magnifies it to astronomic proportions, until it eclipses all the good there is and you can't see anything else. Just remember that it will pass. Every time I get such an episode, when everything seems as dark as it can ever get and I wish I wouldn't live to see the next day I try to remind myself that it is all a trick of my mind. I let the thoughts come and go and cry, scream and kick whatever is on my way until it starts to go away and most of the time, by the next morning I'm feeling much better. I hope you do too.

    I was weaned off my meds recently... It's going ok. I'll take them again if I ever need to. I don't know exactly how it works out since my depression has been there for as long as I can remember and according to my doctor it will never go away so it will always be a daily battle, but I'm not supposed to take meds for the rest of my life apparently. Hope you find the ones that work for you soon.

    Btw, those are great pictures. I see two lovely cats!

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  7. I spy three Kitties in the lovely photo.

    ((Hugs)) and smooches!
    You are so pretty enough, If I wasn't married to Chris I would so change teams for you! :)

    Love the Titty Kitty video!

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  8. hey there i take one med and the rest of this crap i just deals with--i'm the mom of a 19yr old & 3yr old when they whine i cant tell em apart. life hilarious when you keep waking up :) i know the feelings cuz i've had them too, you stay encouraged and remember the love of your family, animals, even that walnut tree!!!, you've got a handsome fella too. and you got us!!! i love you all the way in milwaukee,wi usa--- thats a long way gurl its 7:31pm here i can feel your pain and know this--- all things MUST pass

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  9. thank you for that video. it did indeed brighten up what was a shitty day for me.

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  10. Hun, I just wanted to let you know That you are very loved! And you bring many smiles to many people! I wish we could just kidnap you and shower you with affection, so that maybe, you might be able to see just how special you are to so many people!

    {{{Big Hugs}}}

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  11. hey, not sure if it helps.. but the way you describe yourself to be feeling is the exact way i described the way i felt when i took anti-depressants. i'm not sure how long you've been on them, but they could possibly be making everything worse. if you feel apathetic, or only bad most of the time.. then i think it may be time to try something else. i quit taking zoloft and prozac cold turkey, because i just couldn't take it anymore. they kept making me dizzy, bitchy, etc. i found a natural remedy called Rhodiola that i HIGHLY recommend, if you are able to get off the brain pills.

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  12. I spot 3 adorable kitties in the pic.
    I reallly hope things get better for you soon, maybe you should go off for a holiday! That might help you escape 'life' a little bit.

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  13. I hope you feel better.

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  14. I also see 3 cats. I totally understand about the pills not working- it's taken me most of my life (all 26 years of it) to figure out what's wrong and get the correct (read, not totally backwards wrong) treatment. I have an interesting form of depression- feel free to email me at wizardsofbling@gmail.com if you want to talk (I can give you more sympathy & details).

    *Hugs* Hope you feel better soon :)

    ~April

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  15. Good job on those panaramic pics. That is super cool (and I'm going to have to try to learn to do that myself). Good on you saving the tree - many a tree people give up on heals in time and bears fruit again. I don't think I'd ever pull out a fruit/nut tree. As to your meds - it may be a blessing to change them, tho it can be a hard process while it's happening. I hope the transition goes as well as it can xx

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  16. Hey Sasha: My Mom has tacychardia too. She takes medicine for it and she will soon be 87 years old. If you come off of your antidepressant carefully, you should be okay. Maybe another one might make you feel better. I'm like you, sometimes, the sun just causes me physical and mental pain and I prefer rainy days. My thoughts will be with you.

    Not counting your logo, do I see four cats?

    (((hugs)))) Marsha

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  17. Verjetno ne pomaga čisto nič, kar lahko napišem. Z depresijo nimam izkušenj. Zato sploh ne vem, kaj lahko napišem in kaj ne. Vedi, da nisi sama na svetu, ki jo je strah prihodnosti. Glas, ki ti govori, da nisi posebna, talentirana, grda... bljak, tale pa laže, da kar srmdi od njega! LOL Resno! Saj vem, da nič ne pomaga, če napišem, ampak si res lepa punca! Poseben je pa čisto vsak na tem svetu! Vsak je čuden po svoje in vsak poseben na svoj način. Talentirana pa itak. Marsikomu si za inspiracijo. ;)
    Panoramski fotki sta super uspeli!

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  18. http://dailypolish.blogspot.comApril 10, 2010 at 4:59 PM

    i know you don't know me but i have finally shaken off the shackles off severe depression and now i can actually get out of bed without it being WW3 between my head and my body and it has taken me 26 years to get to this place. i do not live in the USA but i would suggest seeing if you can find a sliding scale clinic? in the UK we are lucky that a lot of places offer reduced price if you see people in training (chaperoned by a licenced professional)...if you find find some sort of thing to make you happy (for me it is photography, making collages...) things that make you really happy and don't do anything else (like for anyone else...just focus on you) it might help. i am a huge advocate of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) as it was the only thing (and the first thing) to ever break through to me and help me.

    I know I'm a total stranger but if you ever want to talk I am here...sara (DOT) hollander (@) gmail (DOT) com

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  19. http://dailypolish.blogspot.comApril 10, 2010 at 5:00 PM

    if you need someone to talk to...i'm here. i am finally not depressed for the first time in my whole life but i'm still on my meds. took me 4 or 5 different combinations to get to these proper ones.

    sara.hollander @ gmail . com

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  20. Hope you and your doctor find the right medicine for you soon. Good luck! :)

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  21. *ding, ding, ding* Great observation skills!
    Sometimes I'd rather see that I was the only one in this situation. The world is really getting mad. Thanks for support!

    P.S.: That beer would be great right now.

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  22. fuck, I know what you mean, I can still remember all of those feelings very well. I wish there was something I could do to help! I know it's not much, but I'll be sending you some positive thoughts. keep up the fight!!!

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  23. There are so many different types of meds that it might take some time getting the right one. But when you find the right one, it's been worth the wait and all those nasty sideeffects.
    I hope you get the right one soon.

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  24. Aw, I really feel for you. Wish I could send you some hope but I know what really truly helps is time, because it does heal you a bit. Sometime we need to go through the pain for a long time before it gets better.
    Sorry to hear about your beloved cat, must be so hard to have that on you too. Sending you a comfort hug.

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  25. It's amazing what wonderful people respond to you. Your never alone. There's so many others that have the same feelings as you. I'm so sorry you don't have insurance. Medication really helps. I unfortunatelly eat all my symptoms or buy too much. I take medication but it's a low dose because I cut it back myself. Too much medicine and I don't have any feelings at all. We all feel so alone and then you finally open up to someone and they have the same feelings. It's good to talk to a stranger about your feelings. I also love you and feel very badly that you feel the way you do. I always keep you in my prayers. Lots of hugs and kisses to you.

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  26. ~Elizabeth aka Lacquered LizardApril 11, 2010 at 12:18 AM

    I remember those days when I was a young woman thinking I should be so much MORE than I was and beating myself up on a daily basis. I'm still working on it, but it's not anywhere NEAR as bad as it was when I was younger.
    I did the meds til I did some of my own work internally and then I just dumped them. Science is quickly proving they don't work anyway, it's totally placebo effect if they do work for you. They still don't know much about the human brain.
    I want to share this little video with you and please, do pay attention to the words.
    You are loved, by those who know you and those who's lives you have touched and you are so artistically talented and oh by the way: drop dead gorgeous. Start by cutting yourself a little slack and allow for room to make mistakes and grow! :)

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  27. Who is the man in the photo?

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  28. Hee my sweet sweetie.....I wasn't online last week so much so I missed this post. I'm so sorry for you feeling like that. I know it must be tough on you but I know things will be getting better ..... but you know.....this are only words.....
    I know how dificult life can be..... I wished I could make it easier for you dearie. But I can't. I can only offer you my support and an listhening ear if you need one.
    BIGGEST HUG ever for you.....

    Btw you made some nice pictures!!! Very cute and lovely cats.....
    Take care now dear.......I'll be thinking of you. And you know were to find me if you want to.

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