Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Here I Am

I've been avoiding writing this post... I know it will bring me even more sadness and tears, but it needs to be said.

First of all, I'd like to thank you for all your kind words! They mean a lot to me. Thank you!

I still can't believe this has happened. It kills me to know that I'll never be able to touch her sweet little furry face, to cuddle with her... Maybe some of you think I'm overreacting, because it's ''just a cat'', but it's not and it never was just a cat. Gaia was a family member and she was unique. She had a warm personality although she knew how to hide it. I miss her so much. I miss her sniffing whenever she would walk into the room. I miss how she sat on the radio and turned it on and off and on again. When I go outside, I look at the meadow... there was her spot and now - it's empty. So fuc*ing empty. Just like I feel. I'm sad and angry. I feel useless for not being able to help her, for not being there for her when it happened. I do blame myself. Maybe things would turn out differently if I called her into the house an hour earlier... Maybe.

My BF called me a few minutes after I found out. He loved her so much, she was his girl. He came the next day, but he couldn't give me any comfort because he was just as upset as I was. Pills were my friend. I couldn't even sleep without them (prescription drugs FTW).


I was so paranoid about my cats being hit by a car. Everytime I went outside, I'd look on the road and see if there's a ''furry ball'' rolling around on the warm asphalt. And we live in a village. There are only a few cars... And it happened. Gaia was walking home from the neighbours and she got hit. She wasn't even on the middle of the road. And this question keeps going through my mind: was she hit on purpose?
Yes, I'm angry. You know about that wish I made for Christmas? Well, fu*k that! I lost Shiva, Puma and Gaia in less than 6 months. That's just not fair. And not being able to say goodbye, to kiss her for the last time... Now her little ''doghouse'' is empty. The radio is empty. I feel the emptiness.

I know someone might come by and say: well, you should keep your cats inside, if there's a road near your house, so it's your fault! I do take some of the blame, but I don't agree with that. My cats were so happy outside, I couldn't have the heart to lock them inside just because something might happen. I couldn't take that away from her. And after all, we do live in a village where there's a minimal amount of traffic. I wish I could turn back the time. I wish to hold her again and see her sitting on the radio...


I hope I'll see you again, my little friends.

54 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss! And its not silly or stupid you feel about her as you do. She was a family member and you have the right to mourn as long as you need to :) I know no words or actions can help the healing process, so I just want to give you a big big big big hug all the way from Denmark and hope that it will help just a tiny bit :) You have tons of people thinking and caring about you right here, so I hope we can help you through it :) xoxoxxo

    RIP Gaia

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  2. i have 4 cats and they are my furbabies as i cannot have kids..so so sorry and i feel your pain..i no how you feel..hugs and kisses xxxx

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  3. *hugs* I know she wasn't just a cat. I would not wish this pain on anyone. I hope one day that you will be at peace. *hugs again* You'll see them again one day. I'm gonna go hug my puppy now, my dear.

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  4. :( I wish there was something I could say to take away the pain. Life can be so cruel sometimes...

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  5. I'm so sorry for your loss. Fur babies are part of the family, and you should in no way blame yourself. Many people don't pay attention when they drive, and I've seen so many people fiddle around with other things when they should be paying attention to the road.

    I'll will keep you in my prayers.

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  6. *big hugs* I thought of that yesterday when I was thinking about my own cat losses, how people would just say it's just a cat. Only some people have the capacity to love an animal as much as some, but I know I love mine as if they were my children. I can't imagine what pain to lose 3 in such a short time. There's really nothing to do or say, time heals all wounds...kinda. Just know that me and lots of other girls are here for you and are thinking about you.

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  7. ((hugs))
    Anyone who says you are over reacting is a heartless beast!
    Gaia was family and a dear friend and have ever right and need to mourn the loss.
    As hard as it is try to remember that she is still with you and will never leave your heart!

    Love you and I wish I had some magic to take away the pain!

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  8. Words can't express how I feel when I read this post. Nobody can help you now, because nobody could help me when a similar thing happened to my dog. You will just have to let time pass and heal it. Of course, the wounds won't dissapear, but know that she was so happy because she had you, because YOU were her HUMAN, and she is blessed to be loved by you. Take care.

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  9. I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling! I wish there was something I could do or say to help ypu through this. Just know you have people that care and if you ever need to talk I'm here.

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  10. You have been through so much this year with your pets. Gaia was such a doll. I always loved seeing her pictures. It's wholly natural for you to mourn her. I am so truly sorry this happened. Take whatever time you need to heal. xoxo!

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  11. I don't know if there is anything I can say to comfort you.

    <3<3<3

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  12. That is terrible...exactly the same thing happened to my cat 4 years ago. I was also paranoid about her being hit by a car. I was so sorry that I let her out that night...I wish I wouldn't...my husband found her when he got back from work in the middle of the night and he buried her. I couldn't sleep for more than two weeks and I cried all the time. She was so cute and special. She had the same expression on her face as your Gaia! Some people said, she was just a cat, but she wasn't...I had a few cats but she was special...She also had babies and now we have her 'granddaughter' but we keep her inside. We have a huge terrace and she can go out whenever she wants but it's different if you live in a village.
    I wanted to say is that it's ok that you cry as much as you need to. It helps a lot! But don't blame yourself it's not your fault...the pain will go away but she will always!!! be in your heart. Cherish that:) I hope you will feel better soon! Take care!

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  13. I'm so sorry honey! You know I really feel with you... I hope you'll feel a little less miserable soon, hopefully asap. even though I know that's hard to imagine.

    Many hugs and kisses, and take it easy on the alprazolam, it generally sucks.

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  14. Anyone who thinks you're overreating doesn't really know what it is to have a cat's love. Several years ago my Katie-baby was killed by a stray dog. It still kills me that I wasn't there for her when it happened. I called her my baby because I was there when she was born and she lived with me for almost 14 years. We had a bond of love and trust and that's not something you can just disregard when they're gone. The decision to keep your cats indoors only is tough. Even now, I have three cats that still live with my mother because they were outdoor cats all their lives and I couldn't bear to move them with me to my husband's house (next to a very busy highway) when I got married. I visit them every week and miss them dearly. I think my mother would be bereft if I took them away. I do have three cats at my husband's and my home, but they were born indoors and so it was easier to simply keep them indoors. They have no interest in going into the noisy outside. But if one of them did, I would have to figure something out. To anyone who says you should have kept her inside, f* them. They don't know. I always thought my Katie was safe in her fenced yard when she would only go outside for a few minutes in the morning, but that nasty dog snuck in and got her anyway. I guess what I'm saying is all we can do is love them and care for them and provide a good home for them. I truly believe you did that and you have our deepest sympathies. Sorry for rambling on.

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  15. i can't find the right words atm but i wanted to let you know that i am very very sorry for you. :(

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  16. It's not stupid for you to be so sad and angry.
    And it's not your fault what happened to her either.
    There are a million things in this world that we can't control, and death is just one.
    I hope you can find some kind of comfort and peace, and I'll be thinking of you.

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  17. Moje sožalje, za vse 3 muce, vem kako ti je. Tudi meni je nekdo povozil mojega ljubljenčka(sredi zime, zato so bili sledovi krvi tam dokler sneg ni skopnel).
    Čas zaceli vse rane, tudi to bo...ostali bodo le lepi spomini....

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  18. I think people who say that you're overreacting cannot have ever loved, or been loved, by an animal. It seems heartless and cruel to say that when someone is grieving.
    Gaia was beautiful, I just loved her name too. I know you will see her again, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I have outdoor pets too and I agree with you that they LOVE to be outdoors, my cats have such enjoyment playing in the long grasses. I could not deny them that either.
    My thoughts are with you.

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  19. Moje sožalje še enkrat... Tudi moj muc me je zapustil kakšen mesec nazaj, pa ga s pogledom še vedno iščem na oknu ali na klopci... Sploh si ne predstavljam, da bi izgubila vse ljubljenčke v tako kratkem času:( Verjamem, da ti je hudo, ampak kot je rekla corofulbottle - poskušaj se spomniti lepih časov. In pa ja, vedi da je imela Gaia lepše življenje, ker je lahko tekala po travnikih in se sončila na direktnem sončku, kot pa da bi bila zaprta med štiri stene!

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  20. Gaia will always be alive in your memory and your heart. When I lived at home we always had cats. They were always allowed outside. They came in and out. That's just a natural thing that cats do. It would be cruel to not let them out when they wanted to go. I've lost many cats the same way as your Gaia. Our house was right around a bend in the road. The cats used to go across the street to a junkyard that probably had lots of mice, etc. They were hunters and they roamed around. I did have some cats that were very special to me. Others I loved but we didn't have the same connection. You've been through so much this year. You take what you need to get through this. I don't expect you to be happy so you just relax and try to get through this. Love and hugs to you.

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  21. The pain is too great, your loss is huge... You'll feel better in a few weeks but their memory will stay with you forever. They loved you, for the way in which they lived... FREE! {{HUGS}}

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  22. I know that there are no words to help you out with your pain, but just know that I´m here and thinking of you! I wish I could do more.
    Don´t think it was your fault! It was that car, not you.
    And I´m sure she was extremely happy with you! You couldn´t have kept her locked inside, that´s not cats life.
    I´m sending BIG hugs, I hope you´ll get better. <3

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  23. I knew it was a car :/
    I hate cars, I wish they would all dissappear. I never wanted to drive and all cars bring is unhappiness.

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  24. Thank you all so much for your kind words!!!

    @Fleur: Nate sem se pa še prav posebej spomnila. Tiste Nobbitse, ki si mi jih poslala...od vseh treh mačk jih je samo ona jedla. Oziroma jih je oboževala. Zadnjič sem samo pogledala vrečkico in bruhnila v jok...preostale Nobbitse bo dobila sestrina psička. :'(

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  25. :objem:

    Mislim, da besede niso potrebne...

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  26. I always considered my cats as a member of family so their lost is always sad & pain !
    With the time you should feel better,I hope for you nice Nihrida.

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  27. Reading that brings tears to my eyes. Earlier this year I had a scare with my baby girl. She had stopped eating and was throwing up and it lasted for about 3 weeks. I tried everything to get her to eat, I spent close to $1000 in vet bills getting test after test done to try to "fix my broken kitty". She had lost about 3lbs (which is a lot for a 12lbs cat) and there were times where I would look at her and start crying, begging her not to leave me... I was so scared I'd lose her. To this day I have no idea what triggered it, she's a 12 year old cat and has always been a little piggy, she loves to eat!
    There are no words for what you're going through, anyone who says "it's just a cat" has never known the unconditional love and comfort they give. Take your time and grieve for her. I hope one day instead of looking at those empty places and feeling pain, you will be able to see her and remember her and the love she had for you.

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  28. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry! I'm tearing up here just reading this. Anyone who says "it's just a cat" just does not understand the deep love we can feel for our furbabies. I lost my own Oolong years ago and I still almost start crying whenever I talk about him. (((HUGS)))

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  29. Girl I know how it feels that allot goes bad and after other, on in on. Bad things I know i last lost my love the man i loved is not dead but
    he left me.

    I hope i could be a confort for you cause i know how it feels to have bad luck and loose people or beings you love

    All my love form here

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  30. Aw, I am sorry to hear that. Wish I could say something to make you feel better but only time may heal it... feel better soon.

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  31. OOOh nooo! I'm sorr sorry about your kitty. i remember seeing a post you did with her pic.. such an adorable kitty. I'm sorry you have to deal with your loss and then on top of that deal with annoying people who don't understand. That is not cool people!

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  32. I'm so sorry again for your many losses this year. I lost 1 of my cats just over a month ago, i couldn't imagine losing 3. I feel your pain, and I know if sucks. I felt the same way about letting my cat out, I would get so worried because he was a little trouble maker.

    I hope the pain lessens soon.

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  33. I had a cat that used to sit with me every day while I waited for the school bus. I saw her get hit by a car one day as she crossed the road to meet me. It was terrible. I missed school for two days. I still feel so bad that she was coming to see me, but it wasn't my fault, and it's not your fault. Try to remember the good times and know she had a good life with you. :) Feel better soon. Remember that us girls all over the world are thinking about you and praying for you.
    Erin (NY, USA)

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  34. What a terrible thing to have to go through. (((HUGS)))

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  35. This is so sad, I'm really sorry. My heart goes out to you.

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  36. I spent, literally the whole day trying to figure out what I'd say to you... The emptiness you say you feel, I feel that when I'm not at home..I see cat shadows everywhere...

    I'm so sorry you've lost so many dear ones in such a short time, life seems very unfair at times... But you still got Aishila,hold on to her, take comfort on her.

    I wish you all the best dear, I cried the 1st time I read this post... I feel your pain :(

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  37. you are not overreacting in the least bit. and it is not your fault. i'm so sorry for your loss, i know it is so incredibly painful. i think it's because our pets know us more deeply than any person and they still love us unconditionally. hope you feel better soon!

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  38. I'm so sorry for your loss :( I've been reading this blog for less than a year, but it was obvious that Gaia has a special place in your heart. I know how hard it is to lose a pet unexpectedly. When I was younger, I had a gorgeous Himalayan cat named Mocha. She got hit by a car after I had let her out to enjoy the outside. I know how it is to feel guilty, but you can't blame yourself. And I know that awful feeling when your baby is missing and then you find them like that. My heart goes out to you, and I'm sending good vibes to you from across the pond :) You WILL see Gaia again someday, and all your other fur babies, across the rainbow bridge. ::HUGS!!!::

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  39. I didn't comment before, and I know this is late but I really do feel for you. I also know what it's like to blame yourself (I lost one of my birds a few months ago due to my own stupidity in walking out the front door with him on my shoulder). The worst part is having so much time with nothing but your own thoughts. It was torture to me as I'm sure it is to you. My pets are like children to me and it was like losing a part of me. The only thing that helped me was to get another bird and to try to be kind to myself and to try not to beat myself up about it. Maybe try to change your routine and do some things that you've never done before or go somewhere you've never been - something different for your brain to focus on instead of the loss. Hope it gets better for you soon.

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  40. You are definitely not over-reacting. I'm going through something similar right now...my cat has an intestinal disease and before they could figure out what was wrong I've been watching her waste away, there was nothing I could do. She's nothing but skin and bones now, her personality is gone, she is lifeless. Now that they know what is wrong hopefully this medicine can get her to gain weight and be healthy again. Seeing her suffer like this is extremely painful. I miss the dead rats she used to bring home, I miss the silly cat fights she had with our other cat, I miss hearing her meow at the door to be let in. Its not pathetic at all to be upset over Gaia....my pets are like family to me and I imagine you feel the same way over your animals. I hope you feel better soon, I enjoy reading your blog and I'll miss all the Gaia pictures. =(

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  41. my cat got killed in the same way today ;(

    i'm angry, people drive too fast!!! if they didn't this wouldn't have happened, because he was very afraid of cars.. ;(

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  42. I am sorry for your loss. And your not over reacting. Our pets are our friends and family mourning their loss is natural. Each pet holds a special place in our hearts forever. Gaia will be remembered in your heart and photos always.

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  43. Rasplakala si me...I sama sam sve mace dosad izgubila na isti način...i uvijek kad idu vani bojim se auta...
    Bah,nitko nije rekao da je život pravedan...drži se!

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  44. First, I am so so very sorry!(and sorry that I am so late commenting)

    You are most certainly NOT over reacting. I couldn't eat and couldn't stop crying for DAY and DAYS when my Lil Bit passed away 2 years ago. Those furry little angels snuggle their way deep into our hearts! I'll be praying for you sweetheart! {{{HUGE HUGS}}} Luv ya hun!

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  45. Oh this is so sad.... I don't own a cat now (husband is allergic), but I'm feeling your pain. My brother ran over my cat years ago when he was leaving the driveway. It was awful. She was so special to me and slept on my bed every single night. This was over 10 years ago but I've not forgotten her. I had to deal with the loss of her plus consider my brother - who obviously was so upset as it was an accident... And thinking about your cat and subsequently Oscar (her name... we thought she was a boy until we found she was a she so she was named a boys name) has made me sad all over again. RIP little one! To the "it's just a cat" I reply - "and I'm a human... one with emotions". You are reactiing the very way you are designed to react. With love, compasion, pain, hurt, anger.... I'm sorry!

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  46. I'm so sad for you. She wasn't "just a cat" ...she was loved, she was family. So very sorry.

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  47. The way you write about Gaia, from the bottom of your heart, made my cry today. And I have tears in my eyes now, as I'm typing this and keeping my beloved rat on my knees. He's old and he's just fading away. And it's nothing I can do, cause medicine won't work forever. And I know that my heart will break into pieces when he dies :(

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  48. Oh god... this totally made me cry my eyes out:'( I think my heart just broke right along with yours.

    They're not "just cats", and I think I'd honestly punch anyone who's insensitive enough to say something so shitty.

    (((HUGE HUGS)))

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  49. This made me cry. And made me glad I have dogs who are too stupid to be able to escape from a fenced backyard.

    I hate people who say it was "just" a pet. To me that would literally be the same as saying, it was "just" your child. It kills me that my beloved doggies have such short lives, I wish they would live as long as I do. But, I enjoy them while they are here and how much light and joy they bring into my life.

    I'm sorry you've had to go through 3 losses in such a short period of time. I hope with time your heart will be able to heal enough to where you don't have to rely on medication to keep you a functioning human being.

    Thank you for keeping this blog and judging by all the comments a lot of people care about you. I hope that helps somewhat.

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  50. Moje sožalje...težko je izgubiti hišnega ljubljenčka, ker je res del družine. :(

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  51. Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. The immensity of it all must be terribly overwhelming.

    I actually have tears in my eyes, and am having a hard time even forming a sentence - I will miss seeing Gaia here.

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  52. hi nihrida!
    im a biologist and i love all kinds of life.
    i had a cat that lived 16 years with me.

    sorry for your lost!
    Samantha

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  53. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know there's nothing in the world we could say now to make it ok. It's such a difficult situation and it's never gonna be ok that she's gone (I lost my baby almost three years ago and it's still not ok, I'm crying right now just writing this to you). Just take comfort in knowing she's better now and she doesn't feel any pain and she knows how much you love her and will always love her. Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault, it's just something that maybe you both had to go through, as sad as it is, just to learn something. That's the way the universe goes. Don't worry, I'm sure she's watching over you now and one day you'll be together again. ='(
    Take care,
    Michelle

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  54. This is a very late reaction, but I feel so sorry for you. I've lost a couple cats too, they all got lost outside, got hit by cars or simply got heartattacks. One even got stolen from us when she was walking outside.. At the moment I started really loving one of my cats and starting to 'forget' or accepting the loss of the previous one, something would happen to my new love and my cat would be gone again. I hope someday you'll be able to accept it and to find a new great friend. Cats can really be family members that need freedom and air. So don't blame yourself.

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