The doctor I was seeing prescribed me 150 mg venlafaxine pills. And they were working. As far as the mood swings go. After a while I started feeling like a zombie. No mood swings, just the same emptiness with no energy and no real life sparkle in me. Every single day was/is the same. Wake up, eat to live, live to eat, blog a little and go to bed. And those terrible headaches if I accidentally forgot to take my meds... I miss my ups and downs. I miss being able to cry. I miss not being a zombie. And most of all I miss being genuinely happy.
Not having any energy isn't fun. I couldn't tell when the tachycardia came back. But it's here. My heart rate is always above 90 beats per minute. And that's when I'm sitting down. Any action can pump it up to 180 beats per minute in no time.
I knew it all along this isn't the right solution. I changed my doctor and I visited the new one on Monday. She cut my meds down to 75 mg. I can already feel the difference. My heart is slowing down, which is really good, but there's also this horrible nausea... I know that it will pass and that keeps me going.
This new doctor I'm seeing is so nice. She's fresh out of school and she's the first doctor I can actually talk to. And the best news: she said that I'm not depressed anymore. I knew that myself, but it's nice to hear it from a specialist. :) My way of thinking is actually quite optimistic. The downside is that I can't stop taking the meds yet. But there's progress ...
Depression sounds horrible and it mostly is. In my case I think it's been harder on my family than on me. I wouldn't change a thing though. It made me stronger and it changed me. And I have scars to prove it. =D There's no way I would be who I am today if it wasn't for this illness. It made my family stronger as well. I like to say - everything happens for a reason.
To those of you who are struggling with depression - been there, done that. It WILL get better. Take your meds, talk to someone you trust and most important of all: don't stop, keep going, don't give up! You owe it to yourself.