Monday, February 20, 2012

Sorry

First of all: Thank you for all your kind words in the past week. They mean a lot to me! Thank you!

I feel like I have to write something, although it's still so hard for me to find the right words. It's been a week ... but that's nothing compared to 10 years we've spent with him. Car wasn't just a pet or a dog. He was our family member. He's been with us at all times. He slept in my mother's bed, he sat beside me when I ate, he gave me a kiss everytime I came home... and the house is so empty without him.

I don't know if I told you about the attack he had a couple of months ago. He looked like he was gonna faint and my mother and I took him to the vet immediately. He got a shot and some pills. The attack occured again this year and after we took him to the vet one more time, he was diagnosed with epilepsy. He got pills, but they didn't help. I went to the vet once more, telling him it must be something else (that was two weeks ago). He said the pills need a couple of days to start working and sent me home.

Car looked OK on Monday. He's been very playful and he ate like on any other day. I called the vet anyway, to schedule a heart exam. Just in case. But it was too late. Half an hour later, he became very weak and his heart stopped beating before we could make it to the vet. I was still sure there's something they can do. The word that came out of the vet's mouth broke my heart: ''Sorry.''

And so am I. I'm sorry I failed you, my little one. I'm sorry I settled with the 'epilepsy' diagnose when I knew something isn't right.

He was buried, wrapped in my blanket, alongside my beloved Gaia, Shiva and Puma. As soon as the snow is gone, we'll plant some roses there. Roses with thorns, just like he was.


P.S.: I'll be back on track as soon as possible...

57 comments:

  1. I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sure he meant a lot to you and this post only shows your wonderful soul and compassion.

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  2. I'm so sorry Sasha! I know words won't comfort you right now as this is such a heartbreaking situation! When you told us he had passed away, we didn't know how and reading this now has moved me! That pic of him in the blanket really touched me :( We are all here for you when you are ready *hugs*

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  3. I passed through this 3 weeks ago. I'm sorry, too. I know how it is when you fell you could have done something more and you didn't. It's the same that happens to me every time I think of her. It's awful. It's cruel. Try to love you as much as you loved him. You don' t need to punish yourself. A big hug.

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  4. It's so hard to find right words. I'm crying...

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  5. Vem kako je ob izgubi psa, pred nekaj leti je tudi nam umrl naš ljubljeni Piki, ki je praktično odrasel z nama z bratom. Kar je mene še posebej prizadelo je, da nismo niti posumili, da ima sladkorno bolezen in smo ga še naprej normalno hranili. :(

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  6. Oh, my dear, I have been where you are, please don't beat yourself up! *hug hug hug*

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  7. sounds like he was a great dog...=) I know it hurts now, but try to remember all the good times you had together. I'm so sorry, I hope you'll feel better soon, and the idea with the roses is wonderful...

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  8. Oh my god, I'm so sorry.. I know this won't comfort you in any way but I know how it feels.. Take your time <3 x

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  9. That made me cry. I am terribly sorry for you and my prayers go out to you and your loved ones! My dog was poisoned 7 years ago on Christmas Eve, I know the feeling. I hope the person will be getting this back from life... I am sorry.
    Hope you'll be better soon.

    And remember, you've only lost him physically.

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  10. Awwww I'm soooo sorry for your loss girl! I lost my beloved Balou two summers ago and it still hurts so much! I only recently got the courage to get another doggie, but of course she won't replace Balou. Sometimes I still hear and feel him in the house. My heart is still somewhat empty and it's been 2 years! At least I'm glad he died without suffering, he litteraly died in my arms! It was soooo hard, I could not stop crying for the whole week... I guess I should be thankful that I didn't have to have him put down at least. Again, I'm sorry, but be strong. I believe he is now your guardian angel x

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  11. Im so sorry for u It hurts me also lose a hairy family member is hard it just put tear in my eyes reading this post, very very much strengt

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  12. It's a tough thing losing a family pet. I've lost the love of my life a few months ago and it's been very tough but i've found comfort in knowing she is at peace. The pain will go away with time and then all the memories you have of him will put a smile on your face instead of heartbreak that he is no longer with you. you are in my thoughts!

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  13. Ena vrata se zaprejo zato, da se lahko odprejo druga. Drži se! :*

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  14. I am so sorry, I have experienced the loss of a few angels and it is devastating... the loss of a family member who never turned their back or formed a judgement. Like any other family member too, our angels stay with us in spirit, but the pain of their passing is horrible anyway, and I hope you find your way through okay. Remember, too, that you are not an animal doctor, and so it was he who failed and not you. I felt that way when I let my Lightning out in the evening and he was hit by an inconsiderate jerk driving drunk like a nutcase at 1AM, Lightning did not make it, and I felt I had failed him for letting him out on a Saturday night at 9pm. This was years ago now and today my heart knows that I only wanted to take the blame because I loved him so much, and I just wish I could have done more... and that drunk fool will get his one hundred-fold. And so will that vet. My thoughts are with you, sending love your way. If you have picked up the baseball bat, put it down... Give yourself love and kindness and gentleness<3
    In another way I want to thank you for your honesty here. My Jesse is about to turn 10 and I've taken him to the vet a few times for an unsatisfactory vague diagnosis and I haven't spoken up for my beloved pookie so far, but I've known that something hasn't been right for weeks. We have a vet appointment later today and I will be sure that I will not leave that office until I am satisfied.
    May all of our angels rest in peace and their spirits sleep curled around our feet forever :)

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  15. This is so sad, I'm very sorry x

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  16. We expect the right diagnosis from a person who should know beter. It wasn't your fault. You put your trust in the vet. I think you'd feel guilty no matter what. You did the best that you could. You took good care of the little angel. You have to forgive yourself. Car wouldn't want you to feel that way. He knew how much he was loved and taken good care of. He's with your other angels. I believe we'll all be together after we pass. God bless your little angels.

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  17. Dont punish yourself.I'm sure he left this life with no pain and feeling that he was loved. I know that you gived to him all the love and care that you could and that he had a good and happy life.

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  18. =(
    im so sorry for your loss. ive lost doggies in my life that ive loved dearly, and last night my boyfriend had to put down his mom's dog after way too long putting it off. at least you know you gave him a good life and he went quickly. my thoughts are with you <3

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  19. I'm so sorry for your loss of a great friend and pet. He looks so sweet wrapped in the blanket.

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  20. I am so incredibly and deeply sorry for your loss. There are no words of comfort I can offer that will ever make this pain go away, but as one who has gone through something similar with our own "family member", I understand the heartache you're feeling and know that only time will eventually offer you some solace. Your instincts were right, and while you may want to blame yourself for not acting on them, don't. We trust these licensed professionals to take care of us, but sadly, they're also human and at times prone to tunnel vision. There was nothing more you could have done, because that's the way fate played this hand. Your Car was a beautiful soul and I thank you for sharing this little part of your world with us. May he be at peace, and may you find some solace in your memories.

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  21. I'm so sorry Sasha, I missed out on his passing. I know it must be devastating for you right now. Take care and may him rest in peace =(

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  22. Oh, dear, sweet puppy. :( I am also very sorry for your loss, I know how much a pet can be missed once they're gone and, yet, their presence lingers on.

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  23. youre about to make me cry :( i am so sorry about this. im sorry that the vets didnt look more into that. it was their job they failed and sadly now you pay :( I hope it gets better with each day. best wishes

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  24. I had no idea, I am so sorry for you! I can't imagine how hard it is to lose a pet like that. All I wanna do is give you a big virtual hug!

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  25. I'm so sorry, he looked like a great little guy. Please try not to blame yourself, he obviously got to live a wonderful, love-filled life with you and must've been happy. <3

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  26. I'm so sorry for you loss. When you have a pet they usually become more then that. I know both of my pups are like children to me, even more so since I don't plan on having kids. Animals easily wiggle into our hearts and when we lose them it's like we lose a piece of ourselves. I know there are no words to comfort you. So I will just say this. Animals have great senses, and I know that he knew how much you loved him and he left this world wrapped in your love and he will always live on in your heart and your memory, so he really is never gone. Plus all dogs go to heaven so he will be watching over you:) *Hugs*

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  27. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. It hurts to lose a pet, especially when he's become part of the family. We're here for you babe, if you need anything. RIP, sweet Car.

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  28. o draga, rasplakala si me...
    drži se!

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  29. I'm so sorry you're going through this terrible time - I can't imagine - Sending you love and support :)

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  30. You don't need to apologize. I'm sure every one of us understands and will wait 'till you will be able to write again for us.
    It's so frustrating, that we are no doctors and we can't compete with them with knowledge - I'm so angry, that we just have to trust a doctor's verdict and you end up keeping calming yourself that he knows better. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. Unfortunately vets can't talk to our beloved animals and there are times, that they are merely guessing, what is wrong.
    We lost our cat ten years ago because of somebodys lack of imagination. I still miss her so much. We've got another cat, I love him, but in different way, like he has opened another drawer in my heart. I'm aware (I'm terrified), that someday he will pass away to animal Walhalla and I know I will open another drawer in my heart for another cat and I will make everything possible to make him happy.
    Please don't blame yourself, you'd made everything that you could for Car. Think, if he wasn't your dog, If he was somebody elses dog, would that someone care for him, as you did? Maybe not. You'd made more for him, than many people would do. You gave him ten years of happy and playful life...

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  31. Aw, noooo. That's so terrible! I'm sending you lots of love and hugs! <3

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  32. <3 love to you! It's so hard to lose a little love...we'll be here when you're ready to come back.

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  33. Take your time! I'll be here waiting to read your posts when you feel up to it again.

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  34. Poor, poor little guy. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

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  35. Long time lurker here! I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your pup. I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose one of my furbabies. Sending peaceful vibes your way.

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  36. I'm so sorry. I know how it feels when you loose a family member. He's had a wonderful life with your family. He's been happy. Think about that when you feel sad. He's has a family who loved him so much and he's loved you too.

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  37. I am so very sorry :( Losing a friend is never easy, please take your time!

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  38. Sorry for ur loss. Understand how u feel. I wld have killed myself if it happened to me. I wldnt noe wad to do. My girl, is my world. The reason I'm still ard. My purpose in life. Don't blame ur self. U tried ur best. Car wld hate for u to b like that. Take care

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  39. Oh, honey, I'M sorry, for your loss! I know it's a small hell losing a beloved pet, but try to focus on the living. It's always better, but hard to do, of course. Hugs and kisses to you.

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  40. Reading this made me cry. Deaths are sad no matter what, but animal deaths always affect me in such an extreme way that I just can't explain. I have a chihuahua too, I raised her from puppyhood & she'll be turning 13 this year. She's still pretty healthy, but I know she doesn't have a whole lot of years left no matter what. I fully expect to have to be medicated when I finally lose her, cause I know I'll be a total wreck.

    Please don't blame yourself. He had a good long life with a family that loved him, and you took him to the vet & did everything you were supposed to do. You're not psychic, you couldn't have known what was going to happen and it was perfectly reasonable to trust the diagnosis of a trained professional. (((hugs)))

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  41. It's not your fault, Sweetie. Bad things happen and we cannot change them even if we think we can or we should.
    I lost my dog in January 2008 and I know so good what you mean when you say, it's not just a pet, he was a family member!
    I know this sounds hard, but everybody in this world will die one day.
    Take your time and he will be alive in your memories forever.
    A lot of hugs and kisses.

    Lala

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  42. PS: I think he was very lucky to be a part of your family and you all made him happy, for sure.

    Lala

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  43. Don't feel so bad about yourself. Car had a good life and you gave him a happy home. You've done all you can.

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  44. Nothing can be said to ease your pain but know that you and Car are in my thoughts and prayers. At least he had a good and loving home and I'm sure lived a happy life. Please don't blame yourself. You were a good family to him.

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  45. I wish I could hug you. This pain will pass, I promise. And you'll be left with wonderful memories of the dog you loved so much.

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  46. There is never anything easy about losing a pet. My thoughts are with you!

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  47. I'm sitting here holding onto tears in my eyes, my heart goes out to your and your family in your time of loss. He is/was/and will always be loved so long as his memory lives. :'(

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  48. I read ths and tears just roll down my face... I had a precious dog, Roxanka, and she also died unexpected.. it's a cupple of years now, but i still miss her so much.. I feel with you, i really do..

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  49. Sožalje za izgubo... sama sem že kar nekaj živali izgubila na ta način in približno vem, kako se počutiš. Vendar vedi, da ne glede na to, da ga trenutno ni več fizično zraven, bo njegov duh še vedno skakljal okoli tebe in te varoval ;)* Keep up!

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